Update THIS

Today was rough. Really, really rough.

For starters it was the anniversary of the death of a very dear friend. 3 years later and I still haven't completely let myself feel the entire weight of it: the sadness, the tremendous feeling of loss, the anger, the guilt. Today those feelings finally broke free and I was able to truly grieve entirely and fully; and in doing so process and begin to make movement towards acceptance.

Along with those feelings came a flood of other moments of loss from this past couple of years- and wow, once that floodgate was opened the losses rolled in like a river. If I hadn't taken a moment to pay gratitude to what I've gained, it surely would've swept me away.

The stress test went alright. The bike was pretty hard to do with my damn foot, and I got really frustrated, but I didn't pass out or cough up a lung (which makes me hopeful for the bronc tomorrow). I did what they wanted me to do and I'm pretty sure the results are good.

The EMG & Nerve Conduction studies were a total bust, though. They basically electrocuted the bejesus out of me for over an hour. No seriously they sent electrical waves through my body. I'll take 50 colonics over having to do this again!

So basically, the nerves in my foot failed the test horribly. When they manually send an electrical current to my muscles they reflexively function, but if I try to manipulate them myself they don't. My brain is sending the message, but my foot isn't getting the message. It's like someone took the phone off the wall.

They think there is a weakspot along the line, probably some nerve endings that got irritated by swelling from the fungi overgrowth (most likely problem areas from old injuries). Hopefully with time and therapy they'll recover. *Fingers crossed*

Also, the steroids have weakened my muscles significantly, moreso than expected. Gee, thanks

Furthermore, my Extensor hallucis longus tendon (top of foot) is overstretched; my flexor hallucis longus tendon (big toe) is tight; my posterior tibialis tendon(arch) is shortened; and my flexor digitorum longus tendon (bottom of foot) is tight. In layman's terms: stuff's f-ed

This makes sense, considering my foot looks like this:



But, I didn't realize the extent of damage that the muscle weakness was doing to my tendons.

It was a deflating appointment after everything else this week looked so promising.

My loss of mobility has been really hard on me (Almost as hard as losing pie) and coupled with really missing my friend, it was an ugly-sob-in-the-middle-of-the-clinic-making-everyone-extremely-uncomfortable kind of day.

I'm glad my heart & colon have forgiven me, at least, since my foot so obviously hates me. My blood is still Switzerland. Tomorrow my lungs will choose sides...

Hey baby, I like your swagger

The only thing that sucks more than walking with a limp is walking with a cane AND a limp...

Hi, I have a pimp cane now and I've been rocking it for almost two weeks.

Why you ask? Because I'm a trend-setting futurist, duh. You know we'll all eventually be using them, anyway, I'm just ahead of the curve...it also may have something to do with the fact that I'm falling apart.

In Feb 07 I was in a head-on car wreck and took the full impact of the crash with my right foot/leg and back, resulting in nerve damage that has lingered ever since.

The pain had been pretty manageable with alcohol, physical therapy and Advil on my side, but lately the game has changed. Obviously, I can no longer drink away the pain; most low-dose medications have alcohol or sugar in them, which I can't have, or the dose is too low to affect the pain; and I'm highly reluctant to take any high-dose pain meds because of my history of addiction. So I've been going to physical therapy, doing yoga(I'm such a Californian now, how did that happen?!) and getting massages as often as I can afford. It helps some, but not entirely.

To further complicate things(because nothing's ever simple or easy with me, as I'm sure you've noticed) nerve damage is exacerbated by a slew of other factors.

From that list, the following relate to me:
-Anemia: Oh Texas, I miss your meat!
-Autoimmune reaction: that's when your body attacks itself, which mine is doing since there is a foreign body raging in every cell of my body and my body wants to kill that foreign entity, thus attacking itself.
-Kidney failure: I'm not in full-blown failure, but they're working REALLY hard
-Infections: Check!
-Anti-viral/bacterial/fungal medications: Man, I hate the meds!
-Repeated compression/stress: It's kind of hard NOT to do that to your feet (rock climbing, walking, etc.)
-Systemic diseases: Check!
-Blood diseases: Check!

Also, apparently I've been walking incorrectly, in attempts to overcompensate, and ended up doing a lot more damage than I realized.

These are my feets. If you look at the left one you can see that my toes and joints are all straight and point forward and the joint on the side is rounded. Then, notice how on the right, my big and second toes curve inward and to the right and the joint juts out sharply.

It may not look like much but it's doing a whole lot of damage to my ankle, knee, hip and spine and eventually my toes will curl inward on themselves. (*Google "Hammertoe" images and you'll see what I'm talking about!)


I knew I would eventually probably have to have surgery on my foot, I just didn't anticipate needing it so soon. Furthermore, I'm not healthy enough right now to undergo the needed surgery, nor do I have the insurance or means to pay for it.

So until then, I get to wear these lovely contraptions.









And walk around with one shoe looking like it just escaped from the circus or a Caricature.



And rock a cane (which I need to take a pic of) to preserve my right leg from any more damage.

I'm sure the cane won't be so bad once I get the hang of it. I'm just not used to having to walk SO SLOWLY and if I try to pick up the pace I just end up tripping on the damn thing.

It's good thing I've basically no pride left, because falling face first on a crosswalk and having an elderly lady help you might be damaging to some people's self esteem. Not this kid, I just laughed my ass off at the ironic absurdity that continues to be my life.