Thursday, September 23, 2010

How am I?

People ask, but I'm sure they don't really want to know.
They're just being polite and I put on a damn good show.

"Pretty good."
"I'm fine."
"Doing better."

Lies...

To put it simply: I have black mold (the deadly kind) growing inside my body. It's in my blood and thus everywhere. I'm starting to think there's more of It, now, than what's left of me. It causes my brain to swell causing blurred vision, headaches and fatigue. It causes my heart and kidneys to work extra hard and inefficiently resulting in toxins building up in my blood so I have to have my blood filtered often. It lowers my immune system making it difficult for my body to fight illness and leads to chronic respiratory, ear, vaginal yeast and skin infections. It causes my joints, bones and muscles to be stiff and achy which makes sitting, standing, lying down, walking, running and basically just being alive painful. It causes mucus and fungus to build up in my lungs making my breaths shallow and arduous. It makes my skin sensitive to touch, irritation, sun, wind, cold, heat and prone to bruising. Showers are difficult because if the water is too cold my muscles throb and my bones scream, but if it's too hot my skin prickles and peels. It's causing my acne to flair up. It's causing my hair to thin and fall out in handfuls. I have constant diarrhea and I throw up frequently (most often at about 2am). I have to take high doses of anti-fungals that leave me exhausted, disoriented and crazy. I'm basically living on raw vegetables, medications, vitamins and filtered water. I'm anemic. I have nosebleeds and rectal bleeding. I'm always starving and I've lost 25lbs, yet I'm flabby because I'm losing muscle tone. I'm tired all the time but I have difficulty sleeping or staying asleep. I'm constantly cold, yet sweaty. I get tired very easily and winded after walking short distances. I'm dead broke, having to work less hours than I'd like and had to accept a handout from my parents(an extremely difficult and humiliating thing for me). I cry at the drop of a hat and the hat drops often. I'm either short fused or too sick and tired to care about things that should bother me. I'm sick as hell, but I'll be fine.

Actually, I feel more alive than I ever have in my life.

"Thanks for asking."

5 comments:

  1. Well then. What else is there to say? I guess I could say how brave you are for trying to keep moving forward in spite of all these ailments. I could say something about how you are not alone in this "battle." I could try to encourage you or make you smile. I could send you recipes that fit your diet, or even send you money.

    But really, all I want to do is tell you that yes, indeed, this totally sucks. And I'm sorry. And maybe if I actually knew you, I would give you a hug or something... carefully.

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  2. oh no i had no idea.. :(
    wow, but your last statement..

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  3. I wish I could give you a hug whenever you needed it most.

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