Tuesday, June 9, 2015

She kept me fed and dancing

In the fall of  2012, I said goodbye to my best friend, my favorite person in the whole world, a person I loved more than I thought it was possible to love someone. And that love is why we needed to part ways. We were holding each other back from the lives waiting for us and so we needed to continue on our journeys separately in order to get to where we needed to be. We were truly a living example of loving someone enough to let them go. It was one of the hardest thing I've ever done.

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life...” -Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love


I don't even know if I believe in soul mates, but if they exist, then she one of those persons for me. She challenged me, and pissed me off, and was the most stubborn person I have ever met in my entire life (coming from me, that's saying a lot). She didn't take my shit, she cracked me wide open, she built me up, she helped me patch my broken places. She "got" me and I "got" her. She showed me my weak spots and helped me flex my strengths. And I did the same for her. She transformed my life. And then, it became painful. For both of us. And so she needed to leave. And it was hard. And messy. And drawn out. It's hard to make a clean break from someone you love so much. There are so many layers to separate, so many connections to untie.

Before I got sick, one of our favorite things was to try new foods. If it was a weird new snack or candy at the gas station, I was all over it. If there was a list of foods to try, she ate her way through it. If there was a street fair or food festival, we were all about it. We lived to eat in San Francisco. Then, I got sick, and she came up with Bren-friendly things I could eat, and explored new restaurants with me. In those years with her, I don't think I was ever hungry when I was with her. My heart and stomach were full.

She is a mover and a shaker and she kept me dancing, moving, doing. Whether it was dancing in clubs or in the streets, hiking mountains, walking the city in our barefeet, popping wheelies in my wheelchair, exploring abandoned ruins over the ocean on my crutches, or many adventures in my car, we were always on the go, and she never let me sit on my ass for long, whether I could walk, or not.

But we made each other crazy and we could never find a happy medium. I was always hungry for more from our relationship and she danced around it. Eventually the weight became too much for us too carry.

There is this great blog started by Larry Smith called Six Word Memoir/Story. You may know Larry as Piper's boyfriend from 'Orange is the New Black,' but I know him from 'Smith Magazine' and have followed his stuff for years, long before I ever knew of OITNB. I even had one of my stories make it into the top 6 for 'Six Words That Changed My Story': "Hi, I'm Bren; I'm an addict."

She was there through the bottom of my addiction and the start of my recovery. She was a catalyst for the beginning of my recovery and then my recovery was a catalyst for making huge changes in my life, which meant time away from her. Sometimes when you're cleaning house, you have to make a bigger mess first, before you can put things back in order.

Often, I think to myself what my Six Word Memoir would be for any given day. Reoccurring memoirs are along the lines of "Proving Murphy's Law does really exist" and "Life is an adventure or nothing" and "Like Dad says, 'It's always something.'"

Today, my memoir is "She kept me fed and dancing," because for the last 8 years, no matter if we were best friends, or trying to date, or breaking up, or taking time apart, or friends again, no matter where I have gone, or what I have done, she gave me fuel and kept me moving. And she will continue to do so. She always told me "wherever you go, there you are." And wherever I go, she'll be there, too. Because she is a part of me. Every time I see a coconut, or take a hike, or get lost, I send her love and light. Every time I hear a song she loved, or make a snow angel, or stick my toes in the ocean, I think of her. Every time I miss her, I know it's because we had so much fun together and because I love her so much. Those are things that never go away. We carry them with us, as imprints on our being.

"You are my person. You will always be my person." -Grey's Anatomy

Yesterday was one of those "National 'Whatever' Days" on social media, where everyone eats donuts or celebrates something. This one was 'National Best Friend Day' and the moment I saw the posts on my feed my thoughts flew to her. I think of her often, things remind me of her or there are things I want to tell her, but she's been on my mind a lot lately, for no reason in particular. Yesterday, she was at the forefront of my mind. I thought about texting her and then recanted, going back and forth for a while before finally deciding that if she's on my mind, I should tell her so and wish her well. Turns out I'd been on her mind lately, too. We had a nice exchange and I'm glad I reached out.

She's still a part of my life. She's still my favorite person. She's still my best friend. I still love her more than I thought it was possible to love someone. But we still need more time. We're still becoming who we need to be. Our goodbye is still leading to new beginnings.

I am hopeful that, one day, life will lead us back to a hello. But until then, wherever I go, she'll still be there, a reminder on my heart to always keep dancing and hungering for more.