So Now What?

So since the blind clinical trial crashed and burned, this time around I'm calling the shots. This week, I went back to a medication I've used before called Voriconazole. We know it works, so I'm taking it as a buffer for a month and then I will start a new medicine.

Voriconazole works, but it also makes me feel like total, utter, poopy-shit. When I used to get it intravenously, I was walking roadkill. Taking it orally was a little better, but not by much.

I selectively forgot about that small detail, but was quickly reminded. My stomach feels like it's on a spin-cycle and if my joints were peanut butter, they'd be the crunchy kind.

I spent all morning in the fetal position in my bed, watching All My Children clips on YouTube; and all afternoon in the fetal position on the couch, cuddling with a five year old, listening to Sara Bareilles. If I can continue doing that for the rest of the month I'll be set!

Update THIS

Today was rough. Really, really rough.

For starters it was the anniversary of the death of a very dear friend. 3 years later and I still haven't completely let myself feel the entire weight of it: the sadness, the tremendous feeling of loss, the anger, the guilt. Today those feelings finally broke free and I was able to truly grieve entirely and fully; and in doing so process and begin to make movement towards acceptance.

Along with those feelings came a flood of other moments of loss from this past couple of years- and wow, once that floodgate was opened the losses rolled in like a river. If I hadn't taken a moment to pay gratitude to what I've gained, it surely would've swept me away.

The stress test went alright. The bike was pretty hard to do with my damn foot, and I got really frustrated, but I didn't pass out or cough up a lung (which makes me hopeful for the bronc tomorrow). I did what they wanted me to do and I'm pretty sure the results are good.

The EMG & Nerve Conduction studies were a total bust, though. They basically electrocuted the bejesus out of me for over an hour. No seriously they sent electrical waves through my body. I'll take 50 colonics over having to do this again!

So basically, the nerves in my foot failed the test horribly. When they manually send an electrical current to my muscles they reflexively function, but if I try to manipulate them myself they don't. My brain is sending the message, but my foot isn't getting the message. It's like someone took the phone off the wall.

They think there is a weakspot along the line, probably some nerve endings that got irritated by swelling from the fungi overgrowth (most likely problem areas from old injuries). Hopefully with time and therapy they'll recover. *Fingers crossed*

Also, the steroids have weakened my muscles significantly, moreso than expected. Gee, thanks

Furthermore, my Extensor hallucis longus tendon (top of foot) is overstretched; my flexor hallucis longus tendon (big toe) is tight; my posterior tibialis tendon(arch) is shortened; and my flexor digitorum longus tendon (bottom of foot) is tight. In layman's terms: stuff's f-ed

This makes sense, considering my foot looks like this:



But, I didn't realize the extent of damage that the muscle weakness was doing to my tendons.

It was a deflating appointment after everything else this week looked so promising.

My loss of mobility has been really hard on me (Almost as hard as losing pie) and coupled with really missing my friend, it was an ugly-sob-in-the-middle-of-the-clinic-making-everyone-extremely-uncomfortable kind of day.

I'm glad my heart & colon have forgiven me, at least, since my foot so obviously hates me. My blood is still Switzerland. Tomorrow my lungs will choose sides...