Every moment we have to live our life is a blessing

Last Friday there was a terrible tragedy in Aurora, Colorado, when a young man entered a midnight viewing of the new Batman movie and opened fire, killing 12 people and injuring 50 others.

Days like those force me to remember September 1999, when the Wedgwood shooting happened in my hometown, to people I knew. 7 people died that day. Their loss ripped through our community and still reverberates in our hearts. Every time there's another shooting I jettison back to that day. To the weeks and months and years after it. I think of my good friend standing next to her best friend, watching her die. I remember the fear and the confusion and the sorrow.

My heart goes out to Aurora, Colorado. I can imagine what they're going through. I've seen it firsthand.

Among the victims last week were a six year old, three young men who died protecting their girlfriends, and a young woman named Jessica. There are things about each victim that tug at me, but the one that really got inside me is Jessica. Jessica was an aspiring journalist from Texas, but that's not what made her stand out to me. After reading this article on Jessica and then reading her blog about how she narrowly escaped another shooting just a few weeks before she died, I couldn't get her out of my head. I've been thinking about her and what she wrote ever since.

This passage keeps replaying in my head: "I say all the time that every moment we have to live our life is a blessing. So often I have found myself taking it for granted. Every hug from a family member. Every laugh we share with friends. Even the times of solitude are all blessings. Every second of every day is a gift. After Saturday evening, I know I truly understand how blessed I am for each second I am given."

We aren't promised tomorrow. Hell, we're not even promised this afternoon. As my BFF likes to remind me, I could survive with my illness for another 50 years, and she could step off a curb and get hit by a bus today. Nothing is guaranteed. We aren't promised any definite amount of time. The only thing we have is right now, this moment.

And a single moment can define our entire lives, or even snuff it out. Your life can be going in one direction and then suddenly turn on a dime. I'm not sure that I can believe that everything happens for a reason. I don't think that bad things happen to teach us a lesson, either. I do believe, however, that reason can come from every happening, and I do believe that when bad things happen, there are things we can take from the experience. When tragedy knocks us off our feet, we have a choice: let it break us or make us.

One of the reasons I love Batman is that he rises every time he falls. He has made a career out of turning his tragedies into triumphs. He doesn't have any special powers other than his own wits and perseverance, and he is a self made man. He took his tragic experience and used it to shed light in a world where darkness and loss and pain can blindside you. Most of all, he brings hope. He shows us that heroes really do exist. This is evidenced in the young men who saved their girlfriends. This is shown in the actor who portrays Batman onscreen going to visit the surviving victims in the hospital. This is displayed in the outpouring of love and support from around the world for Aurora, Colorado.

I wish it didn't take devastating losses for us to stop and count our blessings, to take stock of our lives, to seize the day. I wish it didn't take people dying for us to truly begin to live. Unfortunately, bad things happen. But good things can be created from the wreckage.

Each of us has it in us to be our own hero. Every one of us has the choice to sit down and live in fear or to stand up and live our lives. We all have the opportunity to spread light and love in this world. All of us owe it to ourselves, and especially to those who are no longer with us, to live each and every day to its fullest.

Like Jessica said, "every second of every day is a gift." Are we going to let it sit, unopened, on a shelf, or are we going to unwrap it and put it to good use?

To pull from several of my favorite phrases and forge one amalgamated saying, this is my advice: Life is a daring adventure, so live it like you're dying, and take a chance; every second is a make it or break it situation, so be here now, and make it count.

We owe it to those taken too soon, to live extra in their honor. So be a hero, be a blessing, be truly alive.

It's Just Like Riding A Bike...

I've been working the past few couple months on re-learning how to ride a bike.

No, I didn't forget. But my foot can't do it the way I used to, because some of the nerves don't work and the muscles haven't worked in so long that they don't remember how to do their jobs. I have to remind my muscles how things work around here and since they're hands-on learners, the only way to do that is to repeat the motion over and over, until it's ingrained. Furthermore, I lost a lot of nerve function, so we're working with a limited staff, here. So I had to restructure the work load and I have to learn a whole new way to manage my movements. Sending the message from my brain, which is what most people do, doesn't work, so the information has to be delivered straight to the source, through manual labor.

This involves wearing what can only be described as a children's life vest, a dorky helmet, and shoes that look like flippers. I don't know if I'm learning to ride a bike or going deep sea diving. I am then situated on the bike and my chest and feet are strapped in. There is no escape. Then, two Physical Torturists help me push the pedals. Which means they basically grab me by the ankles and do it for me.

Now, I love pie. A lot. No, really. It's the love of my life. As luck would have it, my bike riding has been a big ole pie, and I've been eating piece after piece... only it hasn't been the kind that I dream about. It's been gargantuan pieces of humble pie. And it's been hard to swallow.

It's hard work. Really hard work. And I sweat, and curse, and cry. But I'm doing it. And I will keep doing it. Because it's worth it. It better be. And if it isn't, I'll be throwing eggs at every bicyclist I see...

Ch, ch, ch, chaaanges

Rewind to about two years ago:
"Here have some of this (insert food item here)."
"I'm not allowed to eat that."
"Why?"

And so, this blog began...

We're rounding the corner on two year of blogging. Whooo, party! Given how much has changed during that time, and as a sort of celebration, I'm changing things up a bit around here.

First of all, this blog started out as a way to cope with my diet. It was meant to fend off being asked the same questions repeatedly; to cope with my new way of eating; to experiment with new foods; and to provide some levity to a very serious situation.

Then, it also became a place for updating people on my health. Again, it was a source of answering the barrage of questions in one place; a way to cope; to talk about experimental treatments; and for some escapism from the difficulties I faced.

Along the way if became a place of refuge; of hope; and of connecting with people who know me, or know similar situations, or who simply found a common bond.

I have used this space to rant, ask for help, rejoice, and laugh. I've grown and changed along the way, and now it's time for the blog to morph a little, too.


What's changing:

The name "Food Withdrawl"- While I'm always going to be experimenting with, and seeking out new foods and recipes, I'm not in withdrawal anymore. Also, not ONE person ever got the pun in the name, or even noticed that it was either a play on words or misspelled- which has bugged the crud out of me!

In his autobiography, pacifist and philosopher, Bertrand Russell stated, "This has been my life. I have found it worth living."

I chose to rename this blog after that quote. Despite everything that has happened thus far, and all the horrible things that I have been through: the pain, and surgeries, and organ failure, and struggle; the goodness, hope, love, and beauty I have experienced have far outweighed it. This has been my life. It wasn't what I would have chosen, but it has gotten me to where I am, and it has made me who I am. And I think it's been worth it.

The layout- I got tired of those vegetables. Really, can you blame me? If I never see another vegetable for as long as I live...

What's staying the same:

The recipes (hopefully I will post more of them), the pictures of what I'm eating, the updates on my health (hopefully less of them- no news is good news, yeah?), the quips and sarcasm, the refuge, the connections, the hope ("You gotta give em hope!" -Harvey Milk)...


So here's to another leg of this journey that started with a single step back in June 2010. Since that time, as of right now, this blog has been viewed 8,818 times. While a seemingly small number in the grand scheme of things, and blogs, I'm very thankful that people have cared enough about what I'm writing (other than my Mama, who probably accounts for about 1,000 of those views) to visit this page so many times. I really love when you comment, too- it makes my day, every single time. Thanks for being a part of the journey. It's been more than worth it.

When it's rough, break stuff

How I coped on Friday.

Be warned the lyrics are explicit...but, given my position, they were appropriate.

And then...

So my trial ended on Friday. I found out a few things, I didn't find out others, and I was given some things to think about. I don't have much to share yet, but I can say that I'm doing okay and I have a few options for how I want to continue my treatment. I'll share once I've made my decision next week.

After leaving the doctor, the first thing I did was bleach my blonde stripe. I'm so vain, I probably think this blog is about me... I hadn't been allowed to bleach it for the six whole months of the clinical trial (thank goodness I was still allowed to use hemp dye on the rest of my hair during that time) and it was in sore shape.

Holy roots, Batman!

Also, thanks to the generous help of my family and friends, I met my $2,108 fundraising goal for my Free To Breathe Yogathon earlier today! My team has raised over $4,000, too! (If you want to see previous updates you can click the "Free To Breathe" label at the bottom of this post)

I'm still sore from my EMG earlier in the week, but I'm pushing through and am now able to do about 30 sun salutations!

In other news, we bottled our homebrewed beer "Make It Or Break It" the other night.

I obviously can't drink my share of the batch, so if anyone wants to try it let me know- there's a bottle with your name on it!

Speaking of beer, I hope everyone enjoyed their green Guinness today, and some corned beef, too! I had some cabbage- exciting, I know...

P.S. I had pie for breakfast today! :)

Make It Or Break It

Yesterday I learned how to make homebrewed beer with a couple of friends. Some would consider this masochistic seeing that beer is one of my greatest enemies. Aside from the fact that I'm sober, the malt, yeast, sugar, and fermentation, alone, are lethal for me. I really didn't mind it, in fact, the smell of it turned my stomach.

It's quite the process, making beer.


(Top to bottom, L to R) Malt, Yeast, bagging the hops; bottles, stirrer, stirring; aerating, mixing, fermenting.

It took us about 5 hours to make it. Then it has to sit for a week, then you have to do more junk to it.

I had a blast!

My best friend and I were given the task of naming the batch. Due to the fact that we both have a whole lot of luck, half of it bad, we named it Make It Or Break It Brew: A Fight Against Karma.