Dear Baskin-Robbins, Coldstone and Dairy Queen,
Your constant attempts to get me back are intrusive and frustrating. I know our relationship was the stuff they write books on; an epic tale they make movies about; and so beautiful it launched thousands of ships... but, it's over now.
It's not that I didn't love you, that I don't still love you, because I do. It's just that towards the end things took a drastic turn for the worse. Our relationship became volatile and unhealthy. It landed me in the hospital, for Pete's sake. I'm sorry, but it's over.
The emails and notes in my mailbox have got to stop. I even switched emails and changed my address without telling you, yet you somehow managed to find me. You're bordering on stalker status now.
It's over. Find somebody else's love handles to admire.
No longer yours,