Ok, I've had my meltdown, I've wallowed in self-pity for a few days, I've laughed over this; and now I'm ready to dust myself off and keep going. Focusing on my burdens can swallow me whole, if I allow it to. I'd much rather live by counting my blessings. When I do so, I am a much happier, more useful person.
Thank you to everyone who commented, emailed, messaged, texted, tweeted, called, smoke signaled, etc. me this weekend. Each one of you is a rosebud and I'm thankful to be surrounded by a garden of love. "I get by with a little help from my friends..."
Good things that came of this:
-Welp, now I know: I tried, I took a chance, and now I don't have to be left wondering "what if" I had done that trial; "what if" that could have been "it;" man, I wish I'd taken that risk; etc. I would rather try and fail than never try, because of the chance of failure. If we went through life with that mentality, there would never be any successes. You win some, you lose some. You keep going.
-$$$: I hate to say I was bought, but I'm not going to lie, I chose that trial because it paid well, and I desperately needed the money. Everyone has a price, and while I'm still debating whether or not my kidney function was worth the amount I received, I am glad to have some relief from the crushing weight of my medical debt. It is expensive to be alive! It was worth unloading some of that burden.
-I'm doing okay: While I am just now finding out the root causes of some of what I've been through lately, I've already been through most of it. I'm coming out on the other side, now. I'm not currently in kidney failure because things are under control at the moment, and I'm managing my medicine, diet, and blood. My foot is almost to where it was strength-wise before my surgery. With the added bonus of not being crunched up and floppy, at the same time. Seriously, that was beyond gross
-I know who to count on: The last couple of years have been a great spotlight on the people in my life, and each time my ship goes down it shows me who will be there to throw me a life jacket, and who will jump ship. I know who my real friends are. Thank you
-I'm alive!: I am still here. And if that's not a big ole yellow Texas rose...well, then this analogy sucks.
"With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world." -Desiderata