Thursday, March 28, 2013

Flashback: Dear 'Roids

I found an old draft from when I was on steroids that never got posted, so here's a Throwback Thursday.

Dear Medrol-

I want to thank you for making my hair darker, thicker and fuller. And not just on my head, either. My once blonde arm hair is now brown. My leg hair is black and wirey and don't get me started on my armpits. I also now have a happy trail, chest hair, beard, and a unibrow. I'm thinking of moving to France.

I've lost a lot of the muscle mass in my legs and arms, but my lungs are stronger than they've been in quite some time. Who needs physical strength when you can breathe without feeling like you're sucking through a straw and your lungs are comprised of taffy?

With you I could run and jump. You caused me to leap for joy.Well, you made me feel like I could. Now that you're gone, I don't see much value in jumping, because the landing is always devastating. You made me crazy!

I hated you at first and then I grew to appreciate you. Now you're gone and I'm left here to clean up the mess you left. It's like we're in the middle of a messy divorce, and you got the cars, house, boat, and money, while I'm left with the trailer that always smells of fish guts and the truck that can't go faster than 55 without shaking violently and smoking.

Well I have news for you, I can breathe easy now. I don't lose sleep over you anymore. I'm healing.

And I also met a really great waxer.

I won't come crawling back,

Smooth In San Francisco

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