Late Night Ramblings

I was pretty bummed when I woke up Thursday July 19th. I had planned to leave on an epic road trip that night that was going to take me through 27 states in 27 days. If anyone had any doubts that I'm completely insane, this should do it... I originally started planning the trip in 2009 and planned to take it that summer, then I got so sick that traveling to the bathroom was about all I could manage.

Fast forward to this spring, when I thought I was finally well enough to take the trip and started making plans for this summer. Unfortunately, due to some recent blips in my health, and the money I've poured into taking care of those incidents, I'm just not feeling physically or financially stable enough to embark on such a big trip right now. Suck City!

Then I also had a summit meeting with my orthopedist, neurologist, and physical torturist that morning, which always has me in a great mood, beforehand. And by great mood, I mean moody in great quantities. I'm usually nervous, and battling between being hopeful and not getting my hopes up, before these appointments. Those emotions usually display themselves in my being extremely quiet and avoiding all eye contact. (Side note: If you encounter someone, try to talk to them, and they do not turn toward you, do not make eye contact, and give you short answers, STOP talking to them. These are social cues that they don't want to talk; observe them!) On these kind of days, I'm not trying to be rude, and it has nothing to do with you, but I'm a wreck inside, and have a lot on my mind, so I cope by going in my turtle shell. This works for me and it gets me through. Please, don't try to coax me to stick my head out, I may bite your finger.

Those are the days that I really love social media. I can simply write a few sentences about what my morning entails, push a button, and everyone I know can immediately see what's up. Then, they can respond without me having to actually explain or talk to anyone. My family also sends me cute pictures of my niece, which is a blessing beyond measure! I can reach out and make contact, while still staying in my shell. It's genius, really.

Don't get me wrong, I like talking to people, more so at this stage in my life than I ever have before, but I'm also an introvert, so interacting with people is draining for me. When I'm already physically and emotionally drained, regardless of their intentions, most of the time, I just can't handle talking to people. Seeing the comments, and tweets, and texts really helps me and I'm so grateful for the outpouring of support I receive. I am very blessed. As long as you don't try to talk to me.

One of the things decided at that summit meeting with my doctors was that I could FINALLY ditch my cane! As exciting as it sounds, it's really been anticlimactic. After eight months of using mobility devices, I was just so over it, that I didn't make that much of a fuss about it. I'm still using a brace some of the time, and working really hard to rebuild my strength, while not wearing myself out, so even though I'm caneless, I still don't feel that I'm at the pinnacle just yet. (Take note that I do plan to have some sort of ceremonious laying to rest of my collection of braces and canes, at some point! Possibly involving explosives of some kind...)

Speaking of road trips and being social, I ended up going down to LA for ten days to hang out. I did a lot of napping; spent time by the pool, at the beach, and in gardens; snuggled with cats, dogs, and babies; and lounged with friends. The most exciting things I did on the weekend were play Scrabble and watch The Biggest Loser. I practically never actually rest on my vacations so this was a nice change of pace for me. I think the R&R, sun, and good people did wonders for me. (I also spent a night at the circus with my friend who is a clown and slept on the circus train. I'm going again tomorrow with my BFF and will write more on it later!) I'm less bummed about postponing my epic road trip now. At least now I have more time to plan it.

This post is all over the place and I don't know what to title it. Meh, I'm going to bed now...

Hey baby, I like your swagger

The only thing that sucks more than walking with a limp is walking with a cane AND a limp...

Hi, I have a pimp cane now and I've been rocking it for almost two weeks.

Why you ask? Because I'm a trend-setting futurist, duh. You know we'll all eventually be using them, anyway, I'm just ahead of the curve...it also may have something to do with the fact that I'm falling apart.

In Feb 07 I was in a head-on car wreck and took the full impact of the crash with my right foot/leg and back, resulting in nerve damage that has lingered ever since.

The pain had been pretty manageable with alcohol, physical therapy and Advil on my side, but lately the game has changed. Obviously, I can no longer drink away the pain; most low-dose medications have alcohol or sugar in them, which I can't have, or the dose is too low to affect the pain; and I'm highly reluctant to take any high-dose pain meds because of my history of addiction. So I've been going to physical therapy, doing yoga(I'm such a Californian now, how did that happen?!) and getting massages as often as I can afford. It helps some, but not entirely.

To further complicate things(because nothing's ever simple or easy with me, as I'm sure you've noticed) nerve damage is exacerbated by a slew of other factors.

From that list, the following relate to me:
-Anemia: Oh Texas, I miss your meat!
-Autoimmune reaction: that's when your body attacks itself, which mine is doing since there is a foreign body raging in every cell of my body and my body wants to kill that foreign entity, thus attacking itself.
-Kidney failure: I'm not in full-blown failure, but they're working REALLY hard
-Infections: Check!
-Anti-viral/bacterial/fungal medications: Man, I hate the meds!
-Repeated compression/stress: It's kind of hard NOT to do that to your feet (rock climbing, walking, etc.)
-Systemic diseases: Check!
-Blood diseases: Check!

Also, apparently I've been walking incorrectly, in attempts to overcompensate, and ended up doing a lot more damage than I realized.

These are my feets. If you look at the left one you can see that my toes and joints are all straight and point forward and the joint on the side is rounded. Then, notice how on the right, my big and second toes curve inward and to the right and the joint juts out sharply.

It may not look like much but it's doing a whole lot of damage to my ankle, knee, hip and spine and eventually my toes will curl inward on themselves. (*Google "Hammertoe" images and you'll see what I'm talking about!)


I knew I would eventually probably have to have surgery on my foot, I just didn't anticipate needing it so soon. Furthermore, I'm not healthy enough right now to undergo the needed surgery, nor do I have the insurance or means to pay for it.

So until then, I get to wear these lovely contraptions.









And walk around with one shoe looking like it just escaped from the circus or a Caricature.



And rock a cane (which I need to take a pic of) to preserve my right leg from any more damage.

I'm sure the cane won't be so bad once I get the hang of it. I'm just not used to having to walk SO SLOWLY and if I try to pick up the pace I just end up tripping on the damn thing.

It's good thing I've basically no pride left, because falling face first on a crosswalk and having an elderly lady help you might be damaging to some people's self esteem. Not this kid, I just laughed my ass off at the ironic absurdity that continues to be my life.