I don't want this

"I just want to go kayaking in the Florida Keys, get a black lab, grow tomatoes, have a life. I don't want all this craziness. I don't want this insanity. I'm really sick and tired of it... When you do not have your health, nothing else matters at all." -Dry, Augusteen Burroughs

PT kicked my ass today. I was having such a good morning, too. The sun finally came out of hiding and I got to lay in the grass, under a giant redwood, with a baby on my side, gazing at the clouds, listening to birds professing how awesome life is...then, the clouds of reality crashed in and choked the life out of those disillusioned birds.

Apparently the steroids cause muscle weakness? This is a trade for improved nerve function, which will make it easier to build the muscles back up...blah, blah. I stopped listening at that point. I don't need yet another explanation of why this aspect of my life is hard and how it's for the benefit of some other arena. I'm frustrated. And in pain. And turning green.

This isn't my life. I didn't sign up for this. I don't want this.

I want to eat a real pie, backpack through Joshua Tree, swim under a Costa Rican waterfall, sleep under the African stars, ride bikes with the kids, and eat my weight in BBQ.

I'm going to do it, too. Even if it kills me. Dare to tell me I won't, I can't...I'll do it twice, just to show you.